2018 has been quite a year for me; a year of growth and transformation.
It’s safe to say I’m not the same woman I was last year.
I’m finally a woman I’m not ashamed of. I’m finally my best self.
Throughout my life I have had some pretty big self-esteem issues. I used to a hate myself, in fact. And because of that self-loathing, I wasn’t a very nice person. In fact, I was a bit of a cunt.
I was selfish. I was cruel and hurtful to people I love. I gave very little thought to anybody outside of myself. I had no problem lying to people I love to cover up other shitty behaviour (like flirting outside of my marriage).
I prioritized all the wrong things, like money, travel, hustle, and freedom. I gave very little value to the right things: the love of my husband, building relationships with my family, and slowing down so I could truly appreciate what’s good and beautiful in life.
I knew I was a cunt, but I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it. I thought being an adult means you just have to accept who you are, and that’s it.
But I eventually realized that I do have a choice. I could choose to not be a cunt. I could choose to be a respectable (and respectful) woman.
We all have a choice. We all get to choose who we are and how we show up in this world.
But it starts with some really unpleasant internal work.
It starts with admitting who you are, truly, honestly, especially the bits you don’t like. You have to admit what you are doing that’s shitty, and you have to take ownership for the things you’ve done that have hurt the people you love.
And then you have to make an active decision to knock it the fuck off.
Here’s the thing:
You are your actions.
You’re also your thoughts and your words, but your actions speak far louder. It doesn’t matter if you think happy thoughts, and say pleasant things, if your actions are mean and hurtful.
The motto for the fire department in my hometown is “Deeds not words.” When I was a kid (and an angsty fucking teenager), I didn’t get it. I thought words allowed you to cover up deeds.
I only realized later on that your deeds are far more valuable than your words. Your deeds are what carry the most weight.
If you’re struggling to quit being a cunt, then I challenge you to make a list of all the shitty things you’re doing, and go out of your way to do the opposite.
My list of changes included:
- Quit flirting with anyone I’m not married to (so, you know, flirt only with my husband).
- Be fully transparent and open with my husband about everything. Don’t hide things from him under the guise of privacy. He’s my husband; he’s on the inside of the bubble. It’s us vs. the world.
- Stop making promises I know I won’t keep.
- Prioritize the things I truly care about, and stop chasing shallow values.
- Stop being judgmental of what people say, wear, think, or do. Who am I to judge what makes someone happy?
- Stop assuming I know what’s best for someone else.
- Stop assuming I can control everything. The only thing I can control is myself, my actions, and how I show up in the world.
Your list will be different, and that’s fine. Just make the list, and start taking action.
You’re going to have to be a lot more mindful of your actions. You’re going to have to be aware of what’s going on inside of you and outside of you.
It will be hard. It will be scary. It will be uncomfortable. You will often be paralyzed by the fear of the unknown, and more than once you’ll be tempted to quit.
But stick with it. Keep going. Keep pushing through the pain. Push through the fear because what’s on the other side of it is your best self, and a truly happy life.
For the first time in my life I can honestly say I am happy. My life hasn’t changed very much from what it was 6 months ago, but I finally appreciate it.
Just a few of the radical changes are:
1. I am madly in love with my husband for who he is.
I am no longer trying to change certain habits or force him into my box of what I thought he should be.
Because I’m finally happy with who I am, I am able to love him unconditionally for who he is. I finally understand what “unconditional love” means.
Every day I am excited, eager, for when he comes home from work. I appreciate him, and all the small moments, more than I ever thought possible.
2. I care far less about my business
I do care, don’t get me wrong, but my business is not the most important thing in my life anymore. My business exists to support my life. My business exists to give us the tools we need to design the life we want.
My life no longer exists purely so I can build a successful business.
3. I don’t look in the mirror and think about everything that’s wrong with my body.
I’m not obsessed with “fixing problem areas.” I no longer care if I’m wearing make up and have my hair all done. I no longer care if I lose weight or have flawless skin or have a little extra fat around my tummy. I am finally comfortable in my own skin.
4. I am a lot more patient.
I used to say “patience is a virtue I don’t have.” But that’s no longer the case. I rarely get irritated by unimportant things anymore. I sometimes get frustrated, but I don’t get annoyed in traffic anymore, and I’ve done some stupid things as a result of blonde moments that haven’t bothered me.
5. By and large, I’m a lot more pleasant to be around.
When you like yourself, when you’re fully open and transparent and honest with those around you, when you’re kind, when you’re compassionate, you naturally become a lot nicer to spend time with.
I have an abundance of love and emotion inside of me now. I’m no longer attention seeking, and I don’t crave drama. My husband even said to me last night, “I like this you.”
The point of this relatively off topic blog post is this:
If you hate yourself, guess what? You don’t have to just accept it. You have the power to change yourself for the better. You have the power to become your best self, and it starts by changing your actions.
This transition means there is a transition in my business as well. I am no longer going to be focusing entirely on business strategies. I am expanding my focus to include personal development, wellness, and lifestyle design. I am now going to be focusing my content, my programs, and my coaching on the Whole Entrepreneur, not just their business.
And now, it’s time for me to ask you a question:
If you were able to change one action, one habit, and in so doing you would be less of a cunt, what would it be? Let me know in the comments. It’s OK to be vulnerable here! I’m here to help.